My mind plays tricks on me

So, I decided to put my picture back up at facebook... I am not sure how long it will last. I have always convinced myself that people are going to run and hide if they actually see what I look like.

I have always felt ugly, and worthless.

My mind convinces me that I am the reason people have problems, as before I was in there lives, or the brief periods I wasn't there for whatever reason that they had better lives.

I was going to write up this long rant that I might use for a memory on remember yourself, but I am not up to it. I am going to go to bed... One day I will stop censoring myself and actually write what I feel.. right now it is not the time. I think sometimes when I actually tell my true feelings, I just make things worse for myself.

It is hard to explain to people how my mind tells me that I deserve all the unhappiness in my life. That I am a loser, and an idiot, especially since a lot of people don't see me that way. I wish sometimes I didn't hate myself so much, then maybe I could be content with my life. Maybe this dark cloud wouldn't seem to haunt me.

I am sure I need to go to therapy and go back on antidepressants, and I wish I could afford to. I know part of the reason I can't is because I have called out of work lately, which puts me behind since all my money goes to bills... then I am frustrated that I put all these hours in a job I hate to just pay bills and not get to do anything fun... So, it starts a vicious cycle.

It is good I have no friends list on here... The more I write the more ridiculous and stupid I am sure I sound